I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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