I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
