I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
