looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
