i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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