i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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