Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
