my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
