So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
