Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
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Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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