Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
