Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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