Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize