i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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