I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
