Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
