Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
