I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
