I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I came so hard my ears popped.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
