Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
