if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
