Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
