It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
