I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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