I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
