Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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