haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
