I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
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