Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
