i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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