my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
