2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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