pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
