i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
