You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so explain again why im purple
no
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
