Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
