I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
