we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
