I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
