hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
