whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
two words...techno handjob
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
