Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
