i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
