Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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