Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
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you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
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He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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