now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
