Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I checked into jail on foursquare
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills