barbara walters just said penis...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.