I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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