my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
