I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
