Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
there is glitter all over my balls
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
