On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
