Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
