You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
