Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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