A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
