Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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