can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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