if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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